Tag: confidence

Blog post, Sharing

Trust in the unknown

Jamie

Hello, loves. I’m still going through a lot of growing and changing. It’s been a great journey so far, these last couple weeks. That’s not to say that it isn’t still scary, but it’s in a good way?

I finally acknowledged that if I continued to tolerate and accept disrespect, then I would continue to receive that. I acknowledged that I cannot keep protecting my heart and my ego while at the same time expect to attract love and romance into my life. I acknowledged that I’m never going to have all the answers and that I just have to be thankful for the things I don’t yet have in the material world and trust the Unknown.

I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about my love language, and how that impacts the way I interact with and/or react to people. Not just how I express romantic love, but also platonic love. My main love language is “acts of service.” Although for me, it’s not just doing nice things for me, but also showing general respect? Like, things that have hurt me deeply in the past are times when people told me they’d be there and weren’t, or I explicitly asked that someone stop doing something (or start doing something) and they continued to do the thing that I told them upset me (or declined to start doing the thing I asked).

This is also how I show my love and affection: I want to help people carry things, or decorate, or clean, or pack or unpack. I try not to be in the way, and be mindful of people’s personal space, and avoid using words or phrases that are upsetting. This doesn’t mean those other four languages aren’t important to me. The second one is probably physical touch, followed by quality time, words of validation, and gifts.

Keeping this in mind has been really helpful in reflecting on how to improve my interpersonal relationships, how I perceive my friendships, and how I expect to be treated. I don’t want to over-look my friends’ kindness because I’m looking for actions, but they’re using words or gifts to show they care.

I also realized that this carries over to my writing, and how I approach it. It comes from a place of pain, and feeling like I have something to prove. It shows. I look forward to seeing how things turn out when they come from a place of healing and love. I don’t want to prove a point, or write “out of spite.” My goal is to share stories because it’s what I love, and I want to give back to this massively important part of my life. I want to help people heal, either from fiction, or just being there for them.

I’m pretty excited for this stronger version of me, and for where I’m going to go, how I’ll keep changing, and the new strengths I’ll find along the way. If you’ve read older posts, you’ll know that a friend of mine inspired me to choose a word that I wanted to define my year. 2017 was “change,” and holy crap was that accurate. I chose “strength” for 2018, but I didn’t feel like that had resonated with me until the last month or so. I already know that 2019 is going to be “trust.” I’m ready to trust the Unknown to bring the things I need and want into my life, to trust my friends with my vulnerability, to trust that my loved ones will be honest with me,  and to trust that the love I give will come back around.

Blog post

I deserve good things. So do you.

Jamie

I left this long, rambling comment on a YouTube video, and thought that I might share this with the rest of you. I’m going to preface this with: I’m not going to debate the legitimacy of the Law of Attraction with anyone, whether it is a real thing or not, etc.. That’s not what this space is for. If you think it’s some hippy, magic, witchy, weird, fictional, nonsensical thing, that’s fine. I’m not trying to convince you otherwise. If you want to debate it, go find a forum for that.

Onward with the rambling

~*~

I’ve seen a few people in the comments struggling with LoA (Law of Attraction) working for them. I’m not a famous person, or already financially wealthy. But that wealth is out there for me, and it’s on its way to me. I believe that. Since stumbling into this, I can see LoA already having an impact on my life in just the last few months. It takes work, because it really is a mental and emotional shift. It’s not as easy as saying a positive affirmation one time and then seconds later a million dollars drops into your lap, or your health problem vanishes immediately, etc.. It takes a lot of deliberate action on your part. At least, it has for me. I’m creating new habits for my mind.

When I catch myself getting angry at the person who cut me off on the road, or almost hit me, or some other traffic issue, I let myself feel the frustration and anger for a few seconds, and then tell myself, “Universe, I am so thankful that I saw that person in time and that I am safe, that nothing happened to either of our vehicles, and no one was hurt.” Maybe that person was in a hurry and thought they could make it, or trusted me to stop in time, or didn’t even see me at all; regardless, the point is that NOTHING HAPPENED, and I want to control how I expend my energy as much as I can. I would rather celebrate the blessing (again, NOTHING HAPPENED) instead of sit and stew in my annoyance at “what could have happened.” Maybe that other driver gets ahead of me, and I notice a pattern of irresponsible driving decisions on their part. Well then hey, thank the Universe that I see that and can keep some distance between myself and them and be glad that I am alert and safe. Right?

LoA is working for me. Change takes time, and patience, and practice. But I see it working. I got more back on my tax return than expected, and I got a small check in the mail that I didn’t expect, too. When those things happened to me, I expressed my gratitude, and look for ways to spread that gratitude around. Every time pay day comes around, I check my bank account and express my thankfulness for that, too, and I’ve extended that to thanking the Universe when I check out at the grocery store. “I’m so thankful that I have the money to buy the groceries I need and want.” It’s changing my view on money, and my emotions toward it. Rather than stressing about wanting and needing more, I’m using my energy to celebrate what I have. And honestly? I feel better. I’m happier, and my anxiety surrounding it has decreased so much.

There is a lot of overlap with LoA and Impostor Syndrome, too. Impostor Syndrome can keep us feeling miserable and unworthy. Once I heard of Impostor Syndrome, and realized, “Oh my god, that is me,” I saw just how much it impacted my life. I didn’t feel like I deserved to have good things happen to me, like I was unworthy of romance, or money, or respect, and that if I DID accomplish something that it was “just a one time thing, I’ll never be able to achieve that thing again” or “oh well I had help, so I don’t really deserve praise for my work and involvement in this thing,” or “well I made mistakes in the past and hurt people’s feelings, so I don’t deserve friendship or love because I should punish myself for my past mistakes for the rest of my life.” Wow. Toxic, right? Those were just a few of the things I was telling myself. Then when I learned that this isn’t just something I do to myself, but it’s a thing that many people experience, I realized just how mean I was being to myself, and how much I was getting in my own way. Rather than punishing myself and denying myself happiness forever, I need to forgive myself and move on. I made those past mistakes because I was acting out of fear, and because I was young and believed what manipulative people told me. But I’m not in that situation anymore, and yet I’m still giving them power over me? I decided NOT ANYMORE! I’m almost 32, and damn it, I am so ready to be free of all that. I’ve grown, and changed. I’m not a teenager, stuck in a toxic house with toxic people anymore, dependent on my parents’ income and shelter. I’ve found a wonderful support system of new friendships and creative minds.

And you know what? You all deserve good things, too. Your past mistakes don’t get to control your bliss for the rest of your life. Acknowledge your mistakes, ask forgiveness if you can (with the caveat to be safe; don’t go back to an unhealthy place if it will put you in danger), and FORGIVE YOURSELF! And be honest with yourself, too. Are you carrying guilt and holding yourself back because of something you actually did wrong, or because you feel like you need to hold yourself back because you don’t deserve good things, because someone else deserves to shine more? Because if you’re holding yourself back so that someone else can shine, then you’re hurting more than just yourself. The world is big enough for you to shine, too. The more light the better. I also suggest looking up the “two cakes” comic someone drew.

TL;DR version: Once I made the conscious effort to start unwinding Impostor Syndrome from my mind, it was so much easier to let LoA into my heart and mind, too. I do deserve happiness and prosperity. You deserve it, too. And once I let myself believe I deserve it, and started expressing gratitude for what I have, it got easier to express gratitude for the abundance that is on its way to me.

Blog post

Kill Your Idols

Jamie

Various forms of “kill your idols” exist. “Burn your idols,” or “kill your darlings.” They each mean something slightly different (“kill/murder your darlings” is more about writing; cousin idioms, if you will). I’m here to talk about killing our idols, and pedestals, and distances.

For the record, please do not go out and actually kill anyone. Metaphors, people.

“Kill your darlings” goes hand-in-hand with impostor syndrome, except rather than focusing on your perceived short-comings, we’re examining the perceived perfections of those we look up to. Think of the people you look up to, and the traits and qualities you admire in them. If you’re one for making lists, you can do that, too, although I imagine it is going to be a long list, waxing poetic about their virtues and talents.

That list makes that person (or those people) seem larger than life, right? So high above you. If you lifted your hand and stood on your tip-toes, you still can’t reach them. The pedestal they’re standing on is made of all the things you love and admire about them, and it puts so much distance between you. The sun rises and sets around them, they can do no wrong, every word they say is gospel, and no one else can compare.

I am so guilty of this. “I’ll never write as beautifully and poetic as ___ so why should I even try?” “___ is so kind and thoughtful and generous. I’m not worthy of their friendship.” “Why would anyone look twice at me when ___ is there?” “I finally got validation from ___. Now I actually believe I might have [random quality] despite what everyone else has told me.” “My favorite [author/artist/whatever] was further along into their career when they were my age; I’m such a failure and so far behind them.” “No one can hold a candle to ___ so we might as well not even try.”

These thoughts are toxic and problematic. Don’t siphon off your own positive self-image just to feed into your projected image of someone else. It’s exhausting. I should know, I do it all the time. I drain myself of any good things I may think about myself, and fuel it into my thoughts of others: “yeah, I’m cute, but ___ is cuter,” or “I’m proud of this thing I wrote, but ___ could do it way better,” or “I’m a good listener, but ___ is so much more caring and compassionate,” or “I’m funny, but ___ is way more entertaining and memorable.”

Stop it, self. Stop doing that. It is so unhealthy. The pedestal helps no one.

Not you, and certainly not your idol(s). How does it make them feel, knowing the expectations you have of them? To feel like they need to live up to those expectations and perceptions? What if they fail? Why do their admirable qualities mean that you aren’t worthy of them?

And the people around you? How do they feel about the way you put this person/people above all others? Why aren’t they worth the same consideration and appreciation? Are you singling out this person at the expense of acknowledging and showing gratitude for the other people in your life? Are their contributions not as important?

So you have this person, and in your mind they are out of reach. You know what you admire about them. But this person? These people? The heroes you look up to and try to emulate? They’re people, too. With flaws, believe it or not. Think about those flaws. Make a second list, and with each flaw you realize, drive it into that pedestal, use it to chip away at the raised platform. Bring that person closer to your level.

It’s okay if you don’t bring them all the way down to where you’re standing; you admire them for a reason. The goal is not to hate them and to change your mind about looking up to them. The goal is to kill the unattainable image you have of them. This perfect image only fuels your impostor syndrome, and puts more pressure on the person you’re projecting onto. Encourage them, believe in them, support them, and be there for them, but don’t erase their humanity. Don’t deify them; but if you do, remember that even gods have flaws and make mistakes.

So take that image of the people you think are out of your reach, then punch it in the face. Stab it. “What? I would never want to hurt them!” Trust me, you aren’t hurting them. That perfect, flawless, carved-from-marble image isn’t them. You’re doing both of you a favor by gutting that image and then reshaping it.

Blog post

Having a Community

Jamie

Several weeks ago, many members of the North-Central Ohio Writers group attended a retreat, and I was fortunate enough to go.

Others have already made posts about their experience and what occurred (see the previous post I linked to on this blog), so I will spare the recap of the activities and ramble about my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

You may have noticed this blog is rather quiet, and that is because I am still going through that weird Ominous Feeling and questioning my abilities. You know, the whole “maybe I’m just good at coming up with concepts and ideas and not skilled enough to execute and make the words happen.” All my works-in-progress are stalled because that doubt  gets to me every time I open a writing file, or jot an idea in my notebook, or think about editing something.

Going to the NCOW retreat helped push some of that doubt away. I could not ask for a better community of writers, and am so glad that some of our newer members joined us, too. I felt safe to share my ideas and worries, and wish that we had more time because being around that group is incredibly comforting. At thirty, I am still looking for a place where I feel like I belong, and while I still have a desire to live in a bigger city, being around these people always feels like I belong, like an extension of Home.

I learned things about myself, my writing, and got to know this group even more. Being creative in general can be so exhausting. Sometimes that exhaustion is great and fulfilling, and sometimes it’s more tiring and feels like a weight holding me down. When I feel like burning all my writing, I think of them, and their kind words, and tell myself that there are people who actually want to read what I have written.

I would have given up by now if it weren’t for these people. Maybe not entirely, but the motivation from these people makes me think that I have a chance, and that someone cares about the stories I want to tell. On top of that, I am so excited to see all of the wonderful things this group is going to produce, because damn, do we have an amazingly talented community.

Thank you, Carma, for planning all of that for us, and thank you to everyone else who attended and helped organize and contribute. I am so lucky to be part of our growing community.

Blog post

Hello. It’s me.

Jamie

I was wondering if after all these months I should post an update.

The last time I checked in was… an embarrassingly long time ago. Since then, I have moved around different departments at work, fallen head-over-heels into a new fandom, started learning the basics of D&D, played and completed new video games, and finished my re-read of the Harry Potter books from beginning to end. In March, C. Bryan Brown held a get-together for local writers and authors to meet and pick each other’s brains, and I went to MARCon at the beginning of May.

Between all of that is the writing. Oh, the writing, how I love you and also want to throttle you.

There is also this… thing. I have had this very ominous feeling the last few days like something is going to change. I feel like it may be a good change, but I honestly have no reason to think that. I have not knowingly reached out for this. Does that make sense? I keep getting these waves of anxiousness and apprehension waiting for whatever it is to happen. For all I know, I could be wrong, but I have this gut feeling that I should expect something.

The Ominous Feeling is inspiring me, at least. Maybe in the end that is what it is meant to do; kick me in the ass to be productive. Yesterday I decided to open one of the novels I am working on, then started a whole new file and cranked out 1,655 words for the new opening scene.

I’ve been struggling lately and doing a lot of internal arguing with myself. I do this thing where I look at all the ideas I have for stories, and then evaluate my actual skill, and I wonder if maybe I’m only good at coming up with ideas, but not talented or skilled enough to execute them. Maybe I’m also better at evaluating stories than I am writing them. Maybe it’s just because this year was a milestone birthday year, so I’m looking at my life and wondering why I’m not where I want to be. Because let’s be realistic; it’s one thing to have a goal and a dream and to work for those things. Sometimes those dreams aren’t meant for us, and it’s okay to change them.

I plan on riding this wave of hopeful productivity until I either crash land, or find myself jumping for joy whenever this Ominious Feeling sorts itself out. At least I know that I need a change of some kind, and soon.

Blog post

Creating and self doubt

Jamie

It’s been a struggle the last several days to think positively about my writing goals. Yes, we are only eighteen days into 2016. I expect my blog will have lots of highs and lows expressed here.

Today at work we did an exercise where you share your goals and whatnot with your coworkers, and one question was “What’s holding you back?” or something along those lines. Well, really, it’s me. I’m holding myself back, and simultaneously motivating myself and tearing myself down is exhausting.

Part of this is because I’ve actually talked to people about writing. This is wonderful! This is great! I’m trying to tell my introversion to chill out and share my passions with people I work with, and friends and acquaintances online. Co-workers have asked to read the project I’m currently focused on, and others have offered to look at parts of it for me. They ask how my writing is going, and if I’ve written, what I’ve written. I’m incredibly touched by this, but also scared, because the things we create can feel so private and personal, and once you share something it’s out there forever, even if you only share with one person. It’s not just yours anymore. It is uplifting and intimidating that people are interested in what I’m doing.

This is where the second part of my struggle comes in, because I start being mean to myself. “You’ll never be as good as all your favorite authors, so why are you even trying? Why are you still putting words together when they’ll all a pile of crap? You suck at description, and your pacing is terrible, so you might as well give up. You are never going to be as good as any other writer you know, so just stop and save yourself the time and frustration.”

It is a horrible mindset, and one I find myself in frequently. When I get like this, I remind myself that stories happen in stages. My current pass through it will not be the final one. I can go back and work more on the description and fill it in after I’ve made a more structured first draft. I know that I will go through the revision process a few more times, and that my first attempt is not supposed to create a flawless, beautiful shining product. I know this, and yet I expect this of myself, because I want to tell stories and move people the way I’ve been moved by my favorite stories.

I need to take my own advice and stop comparing myself to others.